I DO NOT OWN THE RIGHTS TO ANY MUSIC
I have been stuck in a constant war with myself over my response to things. Early in my life, I saw how words could really affect someone deeper than the initial hurt you may or may not have meant it to. As I grew up I tried to find better ways to handle my response to things which at that time was controlled by my emotions at that moment. In those moments it was like giving a lighter to the gas with how I could easily ignite an argument with a simple response a little left of my usual. Maybe that right there is the real problem though…
Why does me replying differently than my usual way make you take offense? Several reasons I could guess, the shoe fit is one, and because you didn’t expect for me to correct your foolishness. Most people that come across me later in life see a very chill individual, but they have no idea of who I was before whoever I presented to them. Isn’t that a scary thing about life? The mystery of the unknown… Since they don’t know me and they usually see my rather calm nature it’s natural for some to poke the bear to see if it’ll react.
My life is a balance between my mother’s approach to things and how my dad would approach things. I always said if I wanted someone to come up to my school to really make something shake I would call my dad because he’s the type to usually just ride for you out of GP and then figure out what was happening afterward, but by then I’ve gotten the response needed. My mom on the other hand is the parent I’d call when I really need some change to be made. She’s the type to email every manager, regional manager, CEO, everyone, and they mama just behind the principle of something that went wrong. That’s like the angel and devil on my shoulders, but in this case, it’s more so my flip out or stay calm options.
In most situations, my intuition tells me to act like my dad and just say exactly how I feel regardless of how it may come off and suffer the consequences later because I see how it does benefit him in some ways and the reason behind it at times also. But, my current self is now calmer and reserved from expelling so much energy that could be used elsewhere. I like both approaches a lot, but too much of either is dangerous to me. When I act too much like my mom I can either be nonchalant to a lot of issues and just let time tell with situations or wait too late to comprehend how I feel to where it no longer matters by then. This causes people to think I’m easier to walk over or fool because it seems as if I’m not interested or I’m non-confrontational. Too much of that false judgment forces me to become my father’s son and allow my rage to handle situations. This is fine depending on the situation but this leads to more arguments, more energy being used, and more headaches rather than solutions.
This is just one of the battles of Tug of War on the daily in my life. This concept is very prevalent in many ways throughout the growth of life. We get older and some of the ways we had to incorporate to survive as youth are no longer needed in our adult years of abundance and we must know that a battle will come internally as we try to grow into that new version of self, but just look at us like butterflies, just in our case we keep repeating metamorphosis as long as we live. It’s beautiful though, on the other side of that struggle is a newfound beauty and love for life, but also be careful because there are struggles at every level of growth.
– KoryH